I pride myself on being pretty self-aware.  Most of the time, I recognize when I’m being difficult or irrational…when I’m overreacting to or withdrawing from a situation…and when I feel myself losing a little of my light during the shortest days of winter.  Most of time, I can step back, take a breath, and let it go…or immerse myself in a project to unwind…or call a friend to cheer me up.  Most of the time I know when to call it quits and do something for me, regardless of what’s going on, because I NEED to, for my sanity.

Some kinds of stress get to me more than others, though.  Time management stress isn’t usually a big problem.  Too much to do, not enough time?  I can handle that kind of stress.  General social stress is usually a non-starter too.  I think that’s just years of being in management and getting used to the fact that there are probably gonna be a bunch of people in my life that don’t like me for one reason or another…and deciding that’s fine by me.  

It’s uncertainty stress that really throws me off my game.  Like when I was waiting to find out if I was getting sued over a plumbing issue last year (long story for another day), or when I was waiting to find out what the consensus was on Lucy’s leg and whether another surgery was imminent (thankfully, it’s not), or even this whole election debacle that seems like four years of unrest looming ahead (and that’s not an endorsement or indictment for either side…it just is what it is…and nobody seems to be giving an inch, even if it might gain them a mile).  Give me a direction and I’ll run with it, even if it’s not ideal.  Just tell me what’s happening and I’ll readjust my game plan and continue on my merry way.  But the waiting…oooooh, the waiting…it really doesn’t look good on me.  

I don’t remember always being this impatient, but maybe I was.  Maybe it comes back down to my inner control freak.  But I like to think it’s more of a “when you finally decide what direction you’re headed in life, you want to start heading that way as soon as possible” kinda thing.  I just don’t like wasting time waiting around for something, only to have it flame out on me.  When you have a tendency to filter everything through a lens of time being a form of personal currency, it really amps up the pressure on making every moment count.

In any event, it seems like I’ve spent an awful lot of time waiting around for decisions out of my control to be made in the last year or so.  And I haven’t been managing my ‘uncertainty stress’ very well at all, I’m afraid.  Ironically, this also leads to me wasting all of that precious time, trapped in my own head, stressing out, instead of focusing on the things that are so important to me.  

I haven’t seen my friends enough.  I havent worked on my crafty stuff enough.  My meditation and yoga that I was making an attempt at went right out the window.  Meal planning?  Nope.  Blogging?  Not so much.  Busting out my camera?  Nada.  Reading my massive book list?  Uh-uh.  I haven’t even been super consistent with my oils, and I KNOW they help me!  Pretty much, I’ve been kind of a mess. 

The problem is two fold in that I don’t like people noticing that I’m a mess, so I a) go into overdrive at work, making sure that everything is super solid there, and b) have a tendency to shut down and go into hermit mode at home, so I don’t have to put my personal bucket of nonsense out there for judgement.  Counterproductive, I know.  

The good news is, in the last few months, I REALIZED I was waaay down the rabbit hole and started digging back out.  So, if I’ve been distant or absent lately, forgive me…I swear I’m getting my shit together.  And if you’re someone I’ve been leaning on lately, thank you for helping me find my spark and get my ass in gear again.  Here’s to pushing forward and getting what you want out of life, instead of waiting around for someone to tell you what’s coming your way!  🙂